dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
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It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
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He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.