I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
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