my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
