Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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