it hurts more in the daytime
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
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