Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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