Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
