The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
