She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I enjoy the company of your penis
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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