We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Randomize
