i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
