she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
