Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
