another moral hangover. fuck.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
