I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
