we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
