How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
well you can't waste a boner
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
