well I can't set my house on fire every night
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
