He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
