i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
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