Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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