I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Randomize
