So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
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I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
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I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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