I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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