Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize