apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
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