Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Randomize
