his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
