Cold hands, warm shart.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
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