He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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