You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
