im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
