I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
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