Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
