I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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