Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Randomize
