I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
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