I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
