its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
