No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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