i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
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