apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Randomize
