i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
