I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
