She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
