we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
They have beer where we have blood.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
