i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
PANTIES FOUND
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