Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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