I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize