you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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