Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Randomize
