I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
