You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
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