I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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