On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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