Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
