Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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