Who did Billy Mays play for?
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Randomize
